Meandering from one to another flower… Or just confused, so confused…

That’s a comment I received from one eHarmony contact that I keep exchanging email back and forth recently. I don’t know if it turns out to something for long term, but it keeps me waiting and looking forward to something.
My mind these days is basically empty. I lost the ability to think. I went to office but can’t get it focused. It’s super hot outside that grasses on parks, hills… are basically dying. But it seems not a good explanation though.
I am just not interested at all in my dissertation. I didn’t see the purpose of finishing it. I know what I am looking for. I want to find my other half, I want to have my own family, I feel so lonely. I am scared of my bad knowledge, and I don’t want to see that. Maybe this is it. I am so coward.
How to live life brave, and cheerful?
Looking for something in eHarmony helps me feel like there is something that I wait for, and is waiting for me too.
But deep down inisde, I know I just try to avoid, to procrastinate. I am just so scared of what is in front of me, and I try to find an alternative. To find someone that will live my life for me? Why can I be that coward?
How can I escape this life without doing something with my dissertation? I don’t know what something is really, but at least something… either I take all courage to tell my advisor I would like to stop here.
What is really who I am? Coward? Stubborn to give up? Long for a family? Or just try to escape, to find an alternative?
Am I doubtful about the purpose of my life? Am I doubtful of who I am? of what I can do? of what I want to do? or simply i just get used to a useless life too much that it’s a huge mountain to get back to a normal, responsible life?
Yes, I become so irresponsible…
Just heard a news in the middle, and this is what i got: When we ask them how they want their future look like, they were all vague and faint. The only vivid thing they have is the past that they experienced….
I seem me in these setences. I don’t know what I am up to, heading to… I just saw the bad side of my life. I need to shift my focus.
Shift my focus!

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